That's What Friends are for

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously
imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come
into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known
you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink
before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the
man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes,
smiles, and then slurs,

"Not anymore!... He is!"

Cows, Cows and More Cows

 

 Really worth reading to the end....

 DEMOCRAT

 You have two cows.

 Your neighbor has none.

 You feel guilty for being successful.

 Barbara Streisand sings for you.

 

 

 REPUBLICAN

 

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

 So what?

 

 

 SOCIALIST

 

 You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

 

COMMUNIST

 You have two cows.

 The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

 You wait in line for hours to get it.

 It is expensive and sour.

 

 CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

 

You have two cows.

 You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

 

 

 DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

 

You have two cows.

The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support  a

 man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from

your  government.

 

 

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

 

You have two cows.

 The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you

for  the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

 

 AMERICAN CORPORATION

 You have two cows.

 You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.

You   force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised

 when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts

stating   you have down sized and are reducing expenses.

Your stock goes up.

> > >

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

You go to lunch and drink wine.

Life is good.

> > >

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow

and

produce twenty times the milk.

They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

> > >

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give

excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.

Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

> > >

ITALIAN CORPORATION

> > >

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.

You break for lunch.

Life is good.

> > >

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have some vodka.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You have some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

> > >

> > >

TALIBAN CORPORATION

> > >

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.

You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private

parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they

were in the hospital.

> > >

> > >

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.

They go into hiding.

They send radio tapes of their mooing.

> > >

> > >

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.

Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

> > >

> > >

FLORIDA CORPORATION

> > >

You have a black cow and a brown cow.

Everyone votes for the best looking one.

Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black

one.

Some people vote for both.

Some people vote for neither.

Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.

Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best

looking cow.

> > >

CALIFORNIAN

You have a cow and a bull.

The bull is depressed.

It has spent its life living a lie.

It goes away for two weeks.

It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.

You now have two cows.

One makes milk; the other doesn't.

You try to sell the transgender cow.

Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.

You lose in court.

You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.

You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.

You change your business to beef.

PETA pickets your farm.

Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.

Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".

Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for

the children".

Scharwzenager signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.

The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped them.

You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.

The cow starves to death.

The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.

 

 

 

Redneck Jokes

REDNECK JOKES:

Did you hear about the Tennessee redneck who passed away and left
his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally
involved.

What's the most popular pickup line in Tennessee?
Nice tooth.

How do you know when you're staying in Tennessee?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink"
and the front desk says "go ahead".

How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they raised the minimum drinking age in
Tennessee to 32?
Seems that they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call reruns of Hee Haw in Tennessee? A documentary.
What do they call them in Kentucky? Life styles of the rich and
famous.

How many Tennessee rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.

Where was the toothbrush invented?
Tennessee. If it had been invented anywhere else it would have
been called a teethbrush.

Did you hear about the $3,000,000.00 Tennessee state lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

Did you hear that the Governor's mansion in Nashville burned
down?
Yep, pertinear took out the whole trailer park.

What's the best thing to come out of Tennessee?
I-40

A Tennessee State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He
says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"
The driver says, " 'bout what"?

A new law recently passed in Tennessee: When a couple gets
divorced, they are still brother and sister.

What do you get when you have 32 Tennesseans in the same room?
A full set of teeth.

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told
Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you
live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of
Eucalyptus Drive" The operator asked "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag
her over to Oak St. and you pick her up there?"

How Manly Are You Quiz

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is The Pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?
a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.




How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

This is in honor of my busted thumb

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?"

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.

"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor, ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

Double Homicide

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

 

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

 

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

 

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

 

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

 

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

 

Blonde swerving all over the road

A blonde is driving down the road one night and she's
swerving all over the road. After about a mile she's
pulled over by a police cruiser. The police officer
approaches the car and asks what the problem is and if
the blonde has been drinking.

She replies, "Well officer I looked up and there was a
tree in front of me so I turned left and there was
another tree so I turned right and there was another
tree so I turned left again and there was another
tree... no matter which way I turned there was a tree
right in front of me."

The officer stares at her for a minute, smiles and
says, "Ma'am, everything's going to be all right.
That's just your air freshener."

Bet it Was the Left Bank...

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the
window, "I want to open a God damn checking account!"

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must
have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it." he replies. "I said I want to open a God
damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language
in this bank." Angrily closing her window, the teller rushes over
to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.

They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems
to be the problem here?"

"There's no freakin' problem, you shithead!" the man spews, "I
just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open
a God damn checking account in this God damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager, ". . . and this bitch is giving you a
hard time?"

Dental Humor

 A man goes to his dentist because he feels something is wrong
with his mouth. The dentist examines him and says,

"That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is
completely corroded. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months
ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was
delicious: Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on
everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, you name it."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem.
Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is
highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you
a new plate, and this time I'll use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asks the patient.

The dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows there's no
plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

Sheer Lingerie

 

A young man walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the sheerer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

 

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

 

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

 

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

 

He never heard the shot.

 

Funeral services are pending.

 

A Close relationship with the Vet

 

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned out
the ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she
wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get
some "Nair" hair remover and rub in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At
the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under
your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a
couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either. And if you must know,
I'm using it on my schnauzer."


The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

 

 

 

Submitted by John Kelsey www.kelseygroup.com