That rascally Pope

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at the thousands of people in the forecourt below.

 

The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."

 

The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."

 

The Queen says, "Watch this."

 

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

 

The Pope thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "That's pretty impressive, but I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

 

The Queen goes, "No way, you can't do that."

 

So the Pope headbutts her.

shipwrecked

A guy, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck and they found themselves stranded on a desert island.

 

After being there awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

 

The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

 

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the guy had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

 

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the guy started to get "those feelings"

again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, cautiously leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

rabbits

One day, a rabbit managed to break free from his cage in the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

 

"Wow, this is great!" he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful

sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

 

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

 

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

 

"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

 

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

 

This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

 

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well."

 

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do? " he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.

 

"There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field.

"They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."

 

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted.

 

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

 

"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."

 

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

 

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

30 things you will never hear a Tennessee fan say!

 

30 things you will never hear a Tennessee fan say!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only eighteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
09. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
08. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
07. Checkmate
06. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
05. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
04. I don't have a favorite college team.
03. You Guys.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A TENNESSEE FAN SAY:
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving.

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons" where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown

Well, how about some "assicons?"

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^o_) a wise ass

( _ E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furtherest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

special thanks and a tip of the toupee to Jonno Alcaro for these gems.

Signs

On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."

*Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

*At a proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in."

*On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

*On a Plumbers truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

*Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

*At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

*On a plastic surgeon's office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

*At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

*On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

*In a nonsmoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

*On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

*At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

*On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

*In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

*On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

*At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

*Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

*In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

*At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

*In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry .. Come on in and get fed up."

*In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

*At a propane filling station, "Tank heaven for little grills."

*And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."