Great jokes that I've come across. Most of them will be clean, but if they're not, simply click away.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Oldie but Goodie

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took 
it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in it's 
ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. 
 
The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from 
reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" 
hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month. 
 
She went to the drug store and got some "Nair" hair remover. 
At the register the druggist told her "If you're going to 
use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few 
days." 
 
She told him, "I'm not using it under my arms." 
 
The druggist then said, "If you're using it on your legs don't 
shave for a couple of days." 
 
My neighbor then told him: 
"I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, 
I'm using it on my schnauzer." 
 
The druggist replied: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

 

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Yellow Pages Humor

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in
the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes.



The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.



"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?



"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When
the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his balls and not
let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the
cage in the back of the van."



He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.



"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.



"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Why you shouldn't golf with the wife

A husband and wife were out golfing together one day when they
came upon a tough par 4 hole. The husband hooked his drive deep
into the woods and proclaimed that he would have to chip out.

Then the wife said, "Maybe not, dear! Do you see that barn over
there? If I open the doors on both sides, I do believe you could
hit it right through and reach the green."

So the husband agrees to give it a try, but when he hits the ball
it goes straight through the first doors of the barn, hits the
crossbeam, ricochets back and hits his wife square in the head,
killing her stone dead.

Well, about a year goes by and the man is golfing with a friend.
He finds himself on the same hole, with the same results: a hook
deep in the woods. He is all set to chip out when his friend runs
up to him and says, "Wait! Do you see that barn over there? If I
open the doors on both sides, I think you can still reach the
green."

"No way," replies the man, "I tried that last year and got a 7."

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Driving Lessons

Two elderly women share the driving back and forth to church on
Sundays. This particular Sunday they were out driving in their
large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The
stoplight was red but they just went right on through.

Ethel, the woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I
must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red
light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection. The
light was red and again they went right through, narrowly missing
a turning vehicle.

This time Ethel was almost sure that the light had been red but
was still concerned that she might be mistaken. She was getting
nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and
the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely
red and they went right through almost hitting a pedestrian.

Ethel turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know
you just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have
killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

Last Minute Inauguration Tips

Things To Do Before The Second Inauguration

1. Get that abortion you've always wanted.
2. Drink a nice clean glass of water.
3. Cash your social security check.
4. See a doctor of your own choosing.
5. Spend quality time with your draft age child/grandchild.
6. Get that gas mask you've been putting off buying.
7. Hoard gasoline.
8. Borrow books from library before they're banned - Constitutional
law books, Catcher in the Rye, Harry Potter, Tropic of
Cancer, etc.
9. If you have an idea for an art piece involving a crucifix - do it
now.
10. Come out of the closet - then go back in - HURRY!
11. Jam in all the stem cell research you can.
12. Stay out late before the curfews start.
13. Go see Bruce Springsteen before he has his "accident".
14. Go see Mount Rushmore before the Reagan addition.
15. Use the phrase - "you can't do that - this is America".
16. If you're white - marry a black person, if you're black - marry
a white person.
17. Take a walk in Yosemite, without being hit by a snowmobile or a
base-jumper.
18. Enroll your kid in an accelerated art or music class.
19. Start your school day WITHOUT a prayer.
20. Pass on the secrets of evolution to future generations.
21. Attend a commitment ceremony of your gay friends
22. Take a factory tour anywhere in the US.
23. Take photographs of animals on the endangered species list.
24. Visit Florida before the polar ice caps melt.
25. Visit Nevada before it becomes radioactive.
26. Visit Alaska before "The Big Spill".
27. Visit Massachusetts while it is still a State

Thanks to Jonno Alcaro for these.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Farmer's Daughters - submitted by John Kelsey

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to
marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond
comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect
woman. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he
explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one
of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so
you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the
man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not
that you can hardly notice pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and
suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with
the second daughter. The next day the farmer again asked how things
went. "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you
can hardly tell cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date
the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next
morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect.
She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away. Months
later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was
horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can
imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could
happen considering the beauty of the parents. "Well," explained the
farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell
pregnant when you met her."