"Best Bad Humorous Analogy Contest"

Winners of the "Best Bad Humorous Analogy Contest" in the
Washington Post Style Invitational Column:

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that
used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you
banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag
filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets
T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a
movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like
"Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight
trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at
55mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the
Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin
sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a
play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like
a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at
a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

Singing Horses.
http://snipurl.com/2yy3


This is a fun little waste of time. Click on the horses to make a melody.

DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO MEN ABOUT WHAT WOMEN WANT

ONE - Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.

TWO - If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to
subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.

THREE - Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity
and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some
decent, affordable childcare. That way, maybe poor single
mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to
listen to any more idiots in Congress blathering about
orphanages.

FOUR - Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys.
Look at...say Carl, the brain-dead jack-off in the cubicle next
to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a
slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now, imagine making 30 percent
less than Carl. Hellooo....

FIVE - This is very important: during lovemaking, don't ask,
"Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.

SIX - When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming
out. Words are kind of important.

SEVEN - Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill
rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.

EIGHT - Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now,
Clouseau, you should know if she came.

NINE - Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask
for directions.

TEN - When she catches you cheating on her and she cuts off your
dick in your sleep, take it like a man.

Too Expensive

One day, Lucy walked into a dentist's office
and asked how much it will cost to extract
wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," she
says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't
use an anesthetic, I can knock it down
to $60."

"That's still too expensive," Lucy says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on
anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out
with a pair of pliers, I could get away with
charging $20."

"Nope," moans the Lucy, "it's still too much."

"Hm," says the dentist, scratching his head.
"If I let one of my students do it for the
experience, I suppose I could charge you
just $10."

"Marvelous," says Lucy,
"book my husband for next Tuesday!"

HOW THE D-DAY INVASION WOULD BE REPORTED BY TODAY'S PRESS


NORMANDY, FRANCE (June 6, 1944) Three hundred French civilians were killed and thousands more were wounded today in the first hours of America's invasion of continental Europe. Casualties were heaviest among women and children. Most of the French casualties were the result of artillery fire from American ships attempting to knock out German fortifications prior to the landing of hundreds of thousands of U.S. troops. Reports from a makeshift hospital in the French town of St.Mere Eglise said the carnage was far worse than the French had anticipated, and that reaction against the American invasion was running high. "We are dying for no reason, "said a Frenchman speaking on condition of anonymity. "Americans can't even shoot straight. I never thought I'd say this, but life was better under Adolph Hitler."


The invasion also caused severe environmental damage. American troops, tanks, trucks and machinery destroyed miles of pristine shoreline and thousands of acres of ecologically sensitive wetlands. It was believed that the habitat of the spineless French crab was completely wiped out, thus threatening the species with extinction. A representative of Greenpeace said his organization, which had tried to stall the invasion for over a year, was appalled at the destruction, but not surprised. "This is just another example of how the military destroys the environment without a second thought," said Christine Moanmore. "And it's all about corporate greed."


Contacted at his Manhattan condo, a member of the French government-in-exile who abandoned Paris when Hitler invaded, said the invasion was based solely on American financial interests. "Everyone knows that President Roosevelt has ties to 'big beer'," said Pierre LeWimp. "Once the German beer industry is conquered, Roosevelt's beer cronies will control the world market and make a fortune."


Administration supporters said America's aggressive actions were based in part on the assertions of controversial scientist Albert Einstein, who sent a letter to Roosevelt speculating that the Germans were developing a secret weapon -- a so-called "atomic bomb". Such a weapon could produce casualties on a scale never seen before, and cause environmental damage that could last for thousands of years. Hitler has denied having such a weapon and international inspectors were unable to locate such weapons even after spending two long weekends in Germany. Shortly after the invasion began, reports surfaced that German prisoners had been abused by American soldiers. Mistreatment of Jews by Germans at their so-called "concentration camps" has been rumored, but so far this remains unproven.


Several thousand Americans died during the first hours of the invasion, and French officials are concerned that the uncollected corpses will pose a public-health risk. "The Americans should have planned for this in advance," they said. "It's their mess, and we don't intend to help clean it up.