Watch the Apples

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for
lunch. At the beginning of the line there was a large pile of
apples. A nun had written a note,

"Take only one, God is watching."

At the end of the line there was a large stack of chocolate chip
cookies. A boy wrote a note and left it on the cookies that said,

"Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

A Son's Love

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."

 

Celibacy

While attending a marriage encounter weekend, Walter and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

 

He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

 

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

 

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy. 

 

 

Grandpa Froggy

A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?

"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.

As she is sitting on grandpa's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you
make a sound like a frog?"

"A sound like a frog? Well, I guess Grandpa can make a sound like
a frog."

The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please, please MAKE a sound
like a frog?"

Perplexed, her grandpa says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to
make a sound like a frog?"

And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you
croak, we're all going to Disney world!"

1st Graders Complete Proverb Assignment

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest:

As you shall make your bed so shall you... mess it up.

Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the... bug is close.

It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of... termites.

You can lead a horse to water but... how?

Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.

No news is... impossible.

A miss is as good as a... Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new... math.

If you lie down with the dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.

Love all, trust... me.

The pen is mightier than the... pigs.

An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke, there's... pollution.

Happy the bride who... gets all the presents!

A penny saved is... not much.

Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.

Don't put off tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.

None are so blind as... Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.

There is no fool like... Aunt Eddie.

Strange Home Made Signs

Strange Home Made Signs

These are real signs, observed all over:

1. At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

2. In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

3. On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law." --Sisters of Mercy

4. On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."

5. In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

6. In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."

7. In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."

8. In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

9. In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"

10. On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

11. On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

12. At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

13. On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."

14. In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

15. In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."

16. In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

17. In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

19. 18. Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

20. In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

21. In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

22. On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak."

23. In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

24. In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

25. On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."

26. On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."

27. On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

28. Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

29. In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

30. On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."

31. Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."

32. In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

33. On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."

34. On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

35. On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."

36. On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."

37. On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

38. At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet--miss a car payment."

39. Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

40. In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."

41. On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

42. In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

43. Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

44. In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

45. At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

46. On a scientist's door: "Gone Fission."

47. In a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

48. At a used car lot: "Second hand cars in first crash condition."

49. Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

50. At an auto body shop: "May we have the next dents?"

51. In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

52. On a music teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

53. At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

54. In a beauty shop: "Dye now!"

55. On the side of a garbage truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

56. On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."

57. In a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

58. On the door of a music library: "Bach in a minuet."

59. In a counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

Our friend Tony B. sent in a few more - Enjoy! Thanks Tony

Bill's radiator shop: Best place in town to take a leak!

Sam's Meat Market: You can compare my prices, but you can't beat my meat.

Thomas, Barnes and Roberts divorce specialty law firm:
She gets his assets, while his assets at home.

Roadway Asphalt Company:
Let us asphalt your driveway, but if you don't like the job we do it's
your own asphalt.

Blondes at Work

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes
out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well
being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

To which the blonde replies: "Early this morning I got
a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, says to
the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the
day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off
to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off
here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the
best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as
usual.
"If you need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check
on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees
her hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her,
asking,

"What's the problem...are you gonna be ok??"

"No...." exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from
my sister.
She told me that HER mom died too!!"

Hilarious DUCK Hunter Story- Darwin Award Nominee

Two hunters from Michigan--(true story or so this
claims) This is from a radio program, a true report of
an incident in Michigan:

A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500
and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck
hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are
frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the
guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle.

They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now,
they want to make some kind of a natural landing area
for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.
In order to make a hole large enough to look like
something a wandering duck would fly down and land on,
it is going to take a little more effort than an ice
hole drill.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick
of dynamite with a short, 40-
second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take
into consideration that they want to place the stick
of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where
they are standing (and the new Navigator), because
they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the
ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly
go up in smoke with the resulting blast.

They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned
the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about
the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for
RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of
doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of
dynamite with the burning
40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two
men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to
do now.

The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys
grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is
loaded with # 8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a
Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly
confused, but continues on.
Another shot and this time the dog, still standing,
becomes really confused and of course terrified,
thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new
Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and Navigator are blown
to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very
large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with
this "I can't believe this happened"
look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a
lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He
still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month
payments!

And you thought your day was not going well?

Carlsbad Real Estate Directory

Quote of the Day

"The difference between being in a relationship and
being in prison is that in prison they let you play
softball on the weekends."
- Bobby Kelton

The True Users

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was
greeted by a young woman with three small children
running around at her feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have
you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it
for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback.

He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they
use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a
gate hinge. But, in fact, we know that most people do
use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since
you've been frank so far, would you tell me in what
manner you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My
husband puts it on the bedroom door knob and it keeps
the kids out."

Carlsbad Business Directory

Golf for the Ages

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's
gotten so bad
I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished
his wife,
"Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf
anymore,"
protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your
ball," Tracy
pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack
swung, and
the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the
distance.

"I forget."