Reattachment

A man had a terrible accident. His manhood was mangled and torn
from his body. The doctor reassured him that modern medicine made
it possible for his manhood to be rebuilt, but insurance didn't
cover the expense. It was considered cosmetic. He had three
choices - small for $3,500; medium for $6,500 or large for $14,
000.

The man was sure he'd want a medium or large. The doctor
suggested that he discuss it with his wife privately before a
final decision was made.

The doctor left the room and while he was gone the man called his
wife and told her their options.

The doctor returned and found the man looking very sad. "Did you
make a decision?" the doctor asked.

"Yes," said the man. "She'd rather remodel the kitchen!"

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $64,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard, C) the cuckoo; or D)the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.

"Yes, that is my final answer." Two minutes later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way... how did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks!"

 

From the Dilbert Files

Great mixed metaphores

 

"Sometimes you shoot your foot off to spite your face."

"If it can't be done today, don't wait until tomorrow."

"I'm sweating like a bullet."

"Monday morning the fan is going to hit the roof."

"We're having this meeting to make sure all our ducks are on the

same page."

"Yeah, I've got a lot of black sheep in my closet."

"You don't want to put all your legs under one blanket."

"Call me back at your least convenience."

"It's six of one and one of the other."

"I can't do it in the spur of a hat."

"I don't want to run any flags up the telephone pole."

"You know I'm just pulling your lamb?"

"I've been running around like a chicken with my legs cut off."

"This has been a red herring around our necks."

"Like water through a duck's ass."

"We're treading on thin water here."

"Knock it off before I beat you with a dead horse!!!"

"I don't want to go out on a limb, and shoot myself in the foot"

"I've just got my feet in too many pies right now."

"Gee, we haven't been here since the last time."

"'I see,' said the blind man to the fly."

"You can argue until your eyeteeth turn blue in the face."

"I swear on my dog's breakfast!"

"This library attracts deaf patrons like a siren's song!"

"Don't bite the mouth that feeds you."

"I keep telling you these things, but you keep turning a blind

cheek to it."

"Screaming like a chicken with its head cut off."

"I hope I haven't used a sledgehammer to teach my Grandmother to

suck eggs."

"She was born with a silver spoon up her ass."

"This guy's sharp as a cookie."

"I beat it like a red-headed mule!!"

"Now I do not want to toot my own wagon."

"I think you hit the nose right on the head."

 

 

Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a

light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a

light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT.

They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS

before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they

wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that

they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past

SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle,

actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that

they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the

STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND

UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER

THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?!

BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT

THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL

SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE

12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE. THE ENTIRE

HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

 

Saturday Night Bender

A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday

night.

He awoke quite ill, and summoned a bellboy to fetch

him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper.

The bellhop was gone a long time.

When he returned, the lush remarked, "It must be hard to

buy a bottle in this town on Sunday."

"There was no trouble with the liquor," replied the bellboy,

"but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."

 

Best Genie Joke Yet

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf...
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right
through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the
course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful!
Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize
and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the
door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened
the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all
over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its
side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people
that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle
for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm
allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish,
but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a
moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year
for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least
I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie
asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants
in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will
always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish,
genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't
been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish
is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you
know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses.
What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know,
you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I
wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd
do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent
the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. After about
three hours of non-stop pleasure, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked,
"How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you
still believe in genies? Amazing!"

"Our parents got divorced when we were kids and it was kind of
cool. We got to go to divorce court with them. It was like a game
show. My mom won the house and car. We're all excited. My dad got
some luggage."
- Tom Arnold

Wal-Mart Wine

A circulating e-mail claims that Walmart will be offering its own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-$5 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Walmart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, RI. She said: "The right name is important." So, here we go:

The top 12 suggested names for Walmart Wines:

12. Chateau Traileur Parc
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Walmart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Riesling
And the number 1 name for Walmart Wine ...
1. Nasti Spumante

 

Redneck Quiz

This is a true test of your Southern-ness. This test
really can't be cheated on, either you know it or you
don't. The true southerner should achieve a minimum in
the high teens.

1) How many Vienna Sausages are in a can?

2) What was the number and color of Richard Petty's
cars?

3) Bill Dance is good at what?

4) What university does Bill Dance root for?

5) Where did Herschel Walker play football (college)?

6) After boiling peanuts for an hour you have what?

7) In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 1966 GM
small-block V8?

8) A Cajun is likely to speak what furrin language?

9) What is a chigger?

10) What is scrapple?

11) Where is "The Redneck Riviera?"

12) What's that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak tree?

13) What follows logically? Johnson, Mercury,
__________________.

14) What's the common name for a bowfin?

15) If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you
get?

16) Who sang "Your Cheatin' Heart?"

17) What are grits made out of?

18) Who was nicknamed "The Bear"?

19) Why is the Blue Ridge blue?

20) What did The Baldwin Sisters make?

21) Who was Andy Taylor's love interest?

22) What are the call letters for the radio station
that carries "The
Grand Ol'Opry"?

23) Where would you grow those yellow onions?

24) What sport requires 3 legs and a rope?

25) What instrument did Bill Monroe play (typically)?

26) How many strings on a banjo (two possible aswers)
?

27) When you argue with a fool, what is he doing?

28) What is a scuppernong?

29) Do you want the goats to get into the kudzu?

30) Why do you want to eat "high on the hog?"

31) What color is your John Deere?

32) What do you call the offspring of a mule?

33) What do you harvest when you plant "shade"?


Each correct answer is worth 3 points. You get 1 point
just for starting. Answers are below:


1) 7
2) 43, red and blue
3) Fishin'
4) University of Tennessee
5) University of Georgia
6) Hard peanuts
7) 283
8) French
9) A redbug (small parasite)
10) A sausage-like loaf made out of pig parts
11) Panama City, FL
12) Spanish moss
13) Evinrude
14) Mudfish
15) Nothing. A steer has been castrated.
16) Hank Williams
17) Corn
18) Paul Bryant
19) Because of pollen
20) "The Recipe"
21) Helen
22) WSM
23) Vidalia, Georgia
24) Calf roping
25) Mandolin
26) 5
27) The same thing
28) A wild grape
29) Yes
30) Because that's where the better cuts of meat are.
Rich folks live high on the hog.
31) Green
32) Another trick animal-husbandry question. Mules are
generally sterile.
33) Tobacco

Strange Message from Dick@ypcommando.com

I missed far too many of these. You try.

Dick@ypcommando.com

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