The Real Meaning

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers
are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year's winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have
gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a  flat
stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while  drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after
you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your
soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Human cloning

In light of the news of the so called human cloning going on, we have to ask ourselves the hypothetical question.

If you pushed your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would it be:

A) murder?

B) suicide? or

C) merely making an obscene clone fall?

I wonder who they got to verify that the flavor was accurate?

Men In Coats

This is a great video of a couple of visual comedians wearing coats.

There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed. He
smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking
wafting up from the kitchen.

He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed,
crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into
the kitchen where his wife was busily baking the cookies.

With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was
just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.

As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite
kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

Gasping for breath, he asked her,

"Why did you do that?"

"Those are for the funeral!"

(contributed by John Kelsey)

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the low country of South Carolina, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray begging for his life. He was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the marsh and he would surely drown.

When just before the curve, a hand appeared through the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other. "Look Buford, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin' it in the rain."