Redneck Manners

Entertaining in Your Home
a. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

b. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, even if his manners are better than those of your mother-in-law.

Dining Out
a. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the bouquet of the wine.

b. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Personal Hygiene
a. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's own truck keys.

b. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. If you live alone, however, deodorant is a waste of good money.

c. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Rules of the Road
a. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

b. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

c. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

d. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

e. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle when you are the driver.

f. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Weddings
a) Ex-mother-in-laws should not be invited to weddings, unless they are the parole officers of the bride or groom.

b) Rifles and handguns are not appropriate wedding gifts.

c) When giving a set of towels, tires, milk-crates or hub-caps as wedding gifts, try to pick the same make or color for each piece of the set.

d) If the bride is more than 8 months pregnant, it is better to have the wedding after the delivery of the baby, so that the bride can fully enjoy and participate in the wedding brawl.

A young guy goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says, 'Yeah, I was a salesman back in my hometown.'

The boss liked the kid and said, 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many sales did you make today?'

The kid said, 'One.'

'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

'$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?'

'Well, no,' said the young guy. 'The guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.' "

Hollywood Squares
If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh!

20Q.net

OK, this is really cool. Play the old kids game "20 Questions" against the computer.

Dang, this thing is really smart.