Redneck Manners

Entertaining in Your Home
a. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

b. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, even if his manners are better than those of your mother-in-law.

Dining Out
a. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the bouquet of the wine.

b. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Personal Hygiene
a. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's own truck keys.

b. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. If you live alone, however, deodorant is a waste of good money.

c. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Rules of the Road
a. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

b. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

c. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

d. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

e. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle when you are the driver.

f. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Weddings
a) Ex-mother-in-laws should not be invited to weddings, unless they are the parole officers of the bride or groom.

b) Rifles and handguns are not appropriate wedding gifts.

c) When giving a set of towels, tires, milk-crates or hub-caps as wedding gifts, try to pick the same make or color for each piece of the set.

d) If the bride is more than 8 months pregnant, it is better to have the wedding after the delivery of the baby, so that the bride can fully enjoy and participate in the wedding brawl.