Johnny Carson as "Karnak" One Liners

"A loaf of bread, a jug of wine and thou."

Reading the contents of the envelope:
"Name three things that have yeast."

A: The Nestea Plunge.
Q: What does the president of Nestea use when his toilet is topped up?

A: A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
Q: What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H?

A: Shoo-be-doo-be-doo.
Q: What do you look for when you're tracking a shoo-be-doo-be?

A: Zippo Marx.
Q: What do you get when something gets caught in your Zippo?

A: Touchback.
Q: What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches you?

A: Kitchy-kitchy-koo.
Q: What do you call a military coup led by General Kitchy Kitchy?

A: Big Ben, Joe Namath and a candidate's campaign promises.
Q: What is a clock, a jock and a crock.


Johnny.........."Wow, It sure Is cold today"
ED.............."How cold was it"
Johnny.........."I saw a dog stuck to a telephone pole"

Rodney Dangerfield: "Johnny, how long have you and Ed McMahon been
together?"

Johnny: "I guess it's been about ten years now."

Rodney Dangerfield: "Wow, that is a long time...any children?"

Johnny: "It's not that we haven't TRIED!!!"

Answer: Sis Boom Bah
Question: What sound does a sheep make when it explodes?


Name what offence someone should automatically get the death sentence:

Johnny: Whoever told squirrels they were good at crossing the road!


Ed: Yassir Arafat

Johnny: Yassir Arafat

(envelope opening)

Johnny: What's the sound made when Dolly Parton removes her bra?


Johnny: "It was so cold outside..."

Audience: "How cold was it?"

Johnny: "It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own
pockets."


Answer: Donald, Benji, and Alexis Carrington
Rips open envelope...
Question: Name a duck, mutt, and a slut.


Karnak foresees the answer -- "Bobby Orr, Bobby Hull, Ed Sullivan."

Opens envelope for question: "Name two hockey players and a hockey
puck."


Some sad news from Australia....the inventor of the boomerang gernade
died today...."

laughs


"Does that joke draw a picture, or what?"


Carnac: "Catch-22."

Ed: "Catch-22"

Carnac (looking at Ed with distain): "May the fleas of a thousand
camels nest in your short."

"Catch-22...What do the Los Angeles Dodgers do with 100 pop flies."


"A triple and a double, catcher's and fielder's, and Dolly Parton"

"Name two big hits, two big mitts.....and a famous country singer!"


Carnak: Do-whacka-do
Ed: Do-whacka-do
Carnack: What do you look for when you're hunting do-whackas?

Carnak: Dippity-do
Ed: Dippity-do
Carnak: What collects on your dippity in the morning?


Carnack: "William Safire."

Ed: "WILLIAM SAFIRE."

Carnac, looking at Ed in distain: "May a diseased camel date your
sister......

William Safire...(Tearing open the envelope)..."Q: What's Shakespeare's
first name, Kingfish."



A. "Knickerbocker"
Q. "What do you want to avoid doing when you shave her bocker?"


Raquel Welch: It's very reassuring in a way to know that all these fans
are so interested in film personalities that they would like to come,
you know, and even just look at your house and your shrubs, it
sometimes it's rather embarrassing.

Johnny: I'd love to see your shrubs.


In reference to the buxom blond named Morgana who ran out of the field
during a world series game and kissed Steve Garvey, Carson (holding his
hands palm up near his chest) exclaimed, "She was big!".

Ed and the audience asked in unison, "Well, how big was she?"

Carson replied, "If Dolly Parton was a mouthful, this girl would be a
two-week supply".

Chicago Tribune | Web words become a lucrative market: "TRENDS: PAYING FOR CLICKS
Web words become a lucrative market
Search results trigger intense price bidding

By Rob Kaiser
Tribune staff reporter
Published January 24, 2005

Companies swarming to have their names and ads appear next to Internet search results have created a burgeoning marketplace for search words, phrases and brand names.

Progressive Insurance pays $8.08 each time somebody clicks on its ad after searching the phrase 'car insurance.' 'Laptop' sells for $2.02 per click, while 'franchise' goes for $5 and 'Internet service provider' for $6. 'Financial help' fetches $5.76, although 'financial advice' only brings in $2.72.

The prices for such words are set through auction-style bidding in which class-action attorneys have run up the word 'Vioxx' to $16.50 per click, while 'mesothelioma,' a cancer caused by asbestos exposure, goes for $39.08.

With Americans conducting more than 4 billion Internet searches monthly, often while shopping for airline tickets, credit cards and millions of other products, companies are battling for top advertising positions on Google, Yahoo and other search engines. The competition has become increasingly sophisticated as companies learn how much business they can generate through the ads.

Similar to stocks, the prices of particular words and phrases constantly fluctuate as businesses jockey for top positions.

But the overall market has exploded, with companies ranging from United Airlines to a Highland Park teddy bear retailer spending a total of an estimated $4 billion last year on Internet search ads. That's up from less than $1 billion just two years earlier, according to PricewaterhouseCoopers LLP, which studies the market for the Interactive Advertising Bureau.

'It's done wonders for our business,' said William Burr, owner of S&W Manufacturing Co. in Bensenville, which makes indus"

So Long Carnac The Magnificent



ANSWER: Gatorade.
QUESTION: What does an alligator get on welfare?

ANSWER: Bible belt.
QUESTION: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants?

ANSWER: Milk and honey.
QUESTION: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?

ANSWER: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
QUESTION: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles.

ANSWER: Black and white and twenty feet tall.
QUESTION: Describe Sister Mary Kong.

ANSWER: Ben Gay.
QUESTION: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids?

ANSWER: An unmarried woman.
QUESTION: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?

ANSWER: Disjoint.
QUESTION: What was dat hippie smoking?

ANSWER: The Laughing Policeman.
QUESTION: What do you call a cop who frisks himself?

ANSWER: Dustin Hoffman.
QUESTION: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.

ANSWER: Until he gets caught.
QUESTION: How long does a United States Congressman serve?

ANSWER: Old wives tale.
QUESTION: What do cannibals find hard to digest?

ANSWER: Rub-a-dub-dub.
QUESTION: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?

ANSWER: Shareholder.
QUESTION: What did Sonny Bono used to be?

ANSWER: Skalliwags.
QUESTION: What does your skalli do when it's happy?

ANSWER: David Frost.
QUESTION: On a cold morning what forms on your david?

ANSWER: Head and shoulders.
QUESTION: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's car?

ANSWER: Hickory Dickory Dock.
QUESTION: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?

ANSWER: "Rose Bowl."
QUESTION: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the bowling alley?

ANSWER: That darn cat.
QUESTION: Who ruined that darn rug?

ANSWER: High rollers.
QUESTION: Describe a stoned bowling team.

ANSWER: Gunga din.
QUESTION: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?

ANSWER: "Follow the yellow brick road."
QUESTION: What are good directions to a urologist's office?

ANSWER: At both ends.
QUESTION: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles?

ANSWER: Igloo.
QUESTION: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?

ANSWER: R-O-L-A-I-D-S.
QUESTION: How does a stupid person spell "backgammon"?

ANSWER: Grape Nuts.
QUESTION: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?

ANSWER: Supervisor.
QUESTION: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?

ANSWER: Crabgrass.
QUESTION: What do crabs get high on?

ANSWER: Shake-N-Bake.
QUESTION: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering Inferno.

ANSWER: Blazing Saddles.
QUESTION: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch?

ANSWER: Flypaper.
QUESTION: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper?

ANSWER: Deep freeze.
QUESTION: Name an Eskimo porno film.

ANSWER: Bedbug.
QUESTION: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker?


So long Johnny.

Deep Thoughts

1. ON METAPHYSICS
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.

2. ON DEEP THOUGHTS
A day without sunshine is like night.

3. ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES
There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund?

4. ON HIGHER EDUCATION
College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there to drink.

5. ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

6. ON YOUTH
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk.
-- Stephen King, 3/8/90

6. ON PROBLEM SOLVING
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.
-- Abraham Maslow

7. ON MATERIALISM
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.

8. ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES
Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!

9. ON INFINITY
If you had everything, where would you keep it?

10. ON ECONOMICS
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

11. ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
-- English Professor, Ohio University

12. ON REVISIONIST HISTORY
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

13. ON DATING
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.

14. ON POETIC LOVE
When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
-- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers

15. ON MODERNISM
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

16. ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.

17. ON EXTINCTION
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

18. ON LITERATURE
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
-- Dorothy Parker

19. ON HUMILITY
To err is human, to moo bovine.

20. ON EXPLANATION OF THE END ...
One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
-- Robert Firth

21. ON PROPHECY
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.

22. ON EXCUSES
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh

23. ON NUMBERS
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for very large values of 2.

24. ON WORLD POLITICS
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

25. AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

MEN ARE DUMB
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O. K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

Now here's an interesting ad from Volkswagen. Don't know if it's a fake or not.

but it is a blast . . .

Click to watch movie

My dog and my kid share many things in common.

Birthday Wish

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early
and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her
on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,
the Wall of Fear - everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head
reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they
went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra
fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot
dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked,

"Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

Happy Marriage

I met a man who had been married for 66 years.

"Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to

such a long, happy marriage?"

"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all

the big decisions ... and the woman just makes the

little decisions."

"Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"

"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not

one big decision!"

 

Good Medicine

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill
your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

LAWYER JOKES

Sent to me by one of my lawyer/advertisers . . .

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to
lawyers? It's called Sosumi.

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full
of lawyers hostage? They threatened to release one every hour
until their demands where met.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest
stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people
couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How are an apple and a lawyer alike? They both look good hanging
from a tree.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future
lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side then he
lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true
stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many
can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? You won't
find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking
for a lawyer to SCREW a light bulb...

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could
only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good.

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A
good start!

What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

What does a lawyer do after sex? Pays the bill.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A
prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.

What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller.

Sven and Ole classic

Ole is a farmer from Montana. He is in need of a new milk cow and
hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota.

He drives to Nordakota, looks at the cow, reaches under to see if she
gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls,

the cow farts.

Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then
reaches under the cow to try again.

He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.

Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to
buy the cow and take it home.

He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says,"Hey Sven, come and look at
dis here new cow I yust bought.

Pull her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota,
yah?"

Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right. But how did you
know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota!"

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at
the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys
in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back
to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests.
What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle,
soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks,
"Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can
keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted
to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells
St. Peter to recall the two priests.

"Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's
somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles.
But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."