Hollywood Squares One-Liners

From The Original Hollywood Squares TV show. These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now.

Peter Marshall: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but he still won't go up to your apartment.

Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Peter Marshall: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Peter Marshall: Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.

Peter Marshall: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

Peter Marshall: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter... and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Peter Marshall: According to Zsa Zsa, does black look sexy on a woman?
Redd Foxx: I wouldn't have it any other way.

Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies... but I don't recommend the cookies.

Peter Marshall: If you find someone lying unconscious in the street, should you do anything?
George Goebel: I'd probably crawl around him I guess.

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Peter Marshall: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Peter Marshall: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Peter Marshall: Eddie, according to the Institute of Motivational Research, a wife should beware if another woman takes an interest in a certain item of her husband's clothing. What item?
Ed Asner: Well, undershorts immediately spring to mind.

Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Peter Marshall: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Peter Marshall: Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights in this country?
Charley Weaver: If she can fit under the seat, she can fly.

Peter Marshall: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Peter Marshall: Can boys join the camp fire girls?
Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Peter Marshall: True or false, George... experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.
George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.

Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Peter Marshall: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Peter Marshall: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Peter Marshall: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Peter Marshall: According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?
Paul Lynde: He's out of town.

Peter Marshall: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.

Peter Marshall: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Peter Marshall: When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Peter Marshall: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Peter Marshall: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
Charley Weaver: His feet.

Peter Marshall: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Peter Marshall: Do female frogs croak?
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water.

Peter Marshall: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Peter Marshall: Your baby has a certain object, which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn now.

Jesus and the Redneck

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly
Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman
hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself
up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.

The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that
Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the
Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with
a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up
to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He
also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus
sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded,
so the Italian said to give Jesus a glass of Chianti,
too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who
swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeeper, set
me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?"
The barkeeper nodded, so the redneck told him to give
Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the
Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness,
you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come
back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the
door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back
straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and
did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck
jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm
drawin' disability!"

Halloween Costume

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice looking woman he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him, and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action".

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done.

He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one hell of a time!

 

Florida Ballot Box

John Smith, who was an incredible asset at WorldPages.com sent me this hilarious movie of Florida's Electronic Voting Machine.

Regardless of your politics, it's pretty funny.


http://ypcommando.com/images/Voting_Machine.wmv

It's a big file, so give it time to load.

Father and Son Reunion

Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to
go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few
minutes, and Jesus agrees

As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey
up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's
tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks
him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be
admitted into heaven.

The man explains, "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I
didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making
things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people,
but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I
was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world
in the usual way.

I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was
ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with
some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be
honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get
into Heaven is to be reunited with my son."

Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the old
man's eyes and asks, "Father?"

The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks,
"Pinocchio?"

Close Call

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a
clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers
with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA
system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor
Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in
northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel
and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing
300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles
an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in
every direction.

The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet
deep."

From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to
exclaim,

"Wow! It just missed the highway!"

***Rodney Dangerfield's 21 best lines***

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."

5. Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times -three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

 

Hearing Voices

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in
his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take
all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He ignores the voice.

Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell
your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

Again, he ignores the voice.

Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job,
sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his
job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las
Vegas.

As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to
Caesar's Palace."

He goes to Caesar's Palace.

The voice says, "Make your way to the roulette table."

He goes to the roulette table.

The voice says, "Put all your money on RED 23."

He puts all his money on RED 23.

The dealer spins the wheel.

It comes up BLACK 17.

The voice says "Shit!!"

Ticket Please

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets
and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked
one of the three lawyers.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats
but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door
behind them. Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor
comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door
and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So
after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on
the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, the lawyers buy a single ticket for
the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a
ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one
perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three engineers cram into a
restroom and the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The
train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his
restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are
hiding. He knocks on the door and says,

"Ticket, please."