Great jokes that I've come across. Most of them will be clean, but if they're not, simply click away.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

thecommando wants to keep up with you on Twitter

To find out more about Twitter, visit the link below:

-The Twitter Team

About Twitter

Twitter is a unique approach to communication and networking based on the simple concept of status. What are you doing? What are your friends doing—right now? With Twitter, you may answer this question over SMS, IM, or the Web and the responses are shared between contacts.

Sunday, November 04, 2007



25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.

24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.

23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.

21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We're Even.

20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.

19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.

18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.

17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.

15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.

13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.

12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.

11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).

10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.

9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.

8. Please Bypass This Heart.

7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.

6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.

5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.


And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...


1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up with Some



Wednesday, September 26, 2007


Thanks to Jonno
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

-----Original Message-----
From: "Jonno Alcaro" <>

Date: Wed, 26 Sep 2007 06:04:48
To:"Jonno Alcaro " <>
Subject: My New Favs

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child…eventually.
I constantly walk into a room and don't remember why. But for some reason, I think that there will be a clue in the fridge.
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
I'm on that diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. It's a good diet. I've lost 10 pounds and my driver's license.
I called a discount exterminator and a guy showed up with a rolled up magazine.
Women don't want to hear what you think. They want to hear what they think in a deeper voice,

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Kindergarten Rules

One day at kindergarten a Teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds,
"I'll give $10 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The Teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a little Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The Teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a little Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin. Come up here and I'll give you the $10."
As the Teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know, Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said 'Jesus Christ'."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart, I knew it was Moses, but business is business".

Weblistic, Inc.
Dick Larkin
5152 Avenida Encinas
Suite 105
Carlsbad, CA 92008
tel: 760-918-1723
fax: 815-327-8883
mobile: 760-579-1005

Friday, February 09, 2007

Things NOT to say to your pregnant wife

Things Not To Say to Your Pregnant Wife

17. "I finished the Oreos"

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl"

12. "Darned if you ain't about 5 pounds away from a surprise visit from that
Richard Simmons fella. '

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today!"

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger..........."

Wednesday, February 07, 2007


Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called Sosumi.

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How are an apple and a lawyer alike? They both look good hanging from a tree.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to SCREW a light bulb...

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good.

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!

What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

What does a lawyer do after sex? Pays the bill.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.

What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller.

Monday, February 05, 2007

A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas.

A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

Happy Hour Special... Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord almighty," he says to himself,

"My three favorite things!!"