Jokes by the Yellow Pages Commando

thecommando wants to keep up with you on Twitter

2008-03-25T08:41:00.000-07:00

To find out more about Twitter, visit the link below:

http://twitter.com/i/0ac60014df62b4a005eadb9df8d2420a59ae35c9

Thanks,
-The Twitter Team

About Twitter

Twitter is a unique approach to communication and networking based on the simple concept of status. What are you doing? What are your friends doing—right now? With Twitter, you may answer this question over SMS, IM, or the Web and the responses are shared between contacts.

TOP 25 COUNTRY SONGS

2007-11-04T13:58:00.001-08:00

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.

24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.

23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.

21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We're Even.

20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.

19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.

18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.

17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.

15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.

13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.

12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.

11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).

10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.

9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.

8. Please Bypass This Heart.

7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.

6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.

5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up with Some

Quickies

2007-09-26T07:19:00.001-07:00

Thanks to Jonno
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

-----Original Message-----
From: "Jonno Alcaro" <jonno@archipelago7107.com>

Date: Wed, 26 Sep 2007 06:04:48
To:"Jonno Alcaro " <jsa@alcaro.org>
Subject: My New Favs

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child…eventually.

I constantly walk into a room and don't remember why. But for some reason, I think that there will be a clue in the fridge.

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

I'm on that diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. It's a good diet. I've lost 10 pounds and my driver's license.

I called a discount exterminator and a guy showed up with a rolled up magazine.

Women don't want to hear what you think. They want to hear what they think in a deeper voice,

Bada-bing!

Kindergarten Rules

2007-03-01T12:17:00.000-08:00

One day at kindergarten a Teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds,
"I'll give $10 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The Teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a little Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The Teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a little Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin. Come up here and I'll give you the $10."
As the Teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know, Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said 'Jesus Christ'."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart, I knew it was Moses, but business is business".

------------------------------------------
Weblistic, Inc.
Dick Larkin
President
Dick@Weblistic.com
5152 Avenida Encinas
Suite 105
Carlsbad, CA 92008
tel: 760-918-1723
fax: 815-327-8883
mobile: 760-579-1005
------------------------------------------

Things NOT to say to your pregnant wife

2007-02-09T09:30:00.001-08:00

Things Not To Say to Your Pregnant Wife

17. "I finished the Oreos"

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl"

12. "Darned if you ain't about 5 pounds away from a surprise visit from that
Richard Simmons fella. '

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta
hurt!"

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today!"

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger..........."

2007-02-07T09:27:00.000-08:00

LAWYER JOKES

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called Sosumi.

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How are an apple and a lawyer alike? They both look good hanging from a tree.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to SCREW a light bulb...

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good.

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!

What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

What does a lawyer do after sex? Pays the bill.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.

What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller.

2007-02-05T15:37:00.000-08:00

A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas.

A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

Happy Hour Special... Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord almighty," he says to himself,

"My three favorite things!!"

2006-12-26T13:03:00.000-08:00

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.

He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna"

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office

2006-10-15T22:26:00.000-07:00

Top 15 Slogans Rejected By Motel 6

15. Because your neighbor's wife deserves better than the backseat of some car.

14. As seen on COPS.

13. If we'd known you were staying all night, we'd have changed the sheets.

12. Not just for nooners anymore.

11. We left off the 9, but you know it's there.

10. You rented the room, now buy the video.

9. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for the hooker.

8. We'll leave the Lysol for ya.

7. Hey! We're not the Ritz but, just try bringing your secretary there on your salary, pal.

6. We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery BETTER.

5. It's Hookerrific!

4. Official lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins.

3. Blurring the line between stains and avant-garde sheet art since 1962.

2. Cheap and easy, just like your sisters.

1. We put the Ho in Hotel.

Homer Simpson -the Sound of Beer

2006-09-13T22:18:00.000-07:00

You HAVE to sing this to get the full effect...........

DO-RAY-ME-BEER by Homer Simpson

DOUGH.........the stuff that buys me beer....

RAY..............the guy who sells me beer.......

ME................the guy.. who drinks the beer...........

FAR...............the distance to my beer.............

SO.................I think I'll have a beer.........

LA..................La, la, la, la, la, la, beer.......

TEA...............no thanks, I drinking beer..........

That will bring us back to.....................DOH!

No Bull!

2006-07-15T11:03:00.000-07:00

A rancher needs to buy a bull to service his cows but has to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased:

"The bull serviced all my cows twice, broke through the fence, and serviced all my neighbor's cows three times."

"Wow," says the banker, "What did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like chocolate."

2006-06-24T16:33:00.000-07:00

These are classics. Enjoy them.

Worst analogies ever written in a high school essay

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
Joseph Romm, Washington
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
Russell Beland, Springfield
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Roy Ashley, Washington
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Chuck Smith, Woodbridge
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Russell Beland, Springfield
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake
Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
Unknown
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
Jack Bross, Chevy Chase
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
Russell Beland, Springfield
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
Jennifer Hart, Arlington
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth
Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
Russell Beland, Springfield
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free
Chuck Smith, Woodbridge
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
Unknown

Strange Actual Newspaper Headlines

2006-05-23T23:51:00.000-07:00

Teenage Girls Often Have Babies Fathered by Men

Infertility Unlikely to be Passed On

Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear

Here's How You Can Lick Doberman's Leg Sores

Lack of Brains Hinders Research

Sausage Lands Grandmother in Jail

Chef Finds New Game as Rat Exterminator

Child's Death Ruins Couple's Holiday

How to Combat That Feeling of Helplessness With Illegal Drugs

Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find

Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency

Chicken Banned From Crossing the Road

Falling Limb Injures Man at Golf Championship

Suspect: Bombs Not Meant to Harm

NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach

Boy Who Drowned Couldn't Swim

Cemetery Faces Grave Problems Over Space

Man Eating Piranha Mistakenly Sold as Pet Fish

Physicist Recommends Bigger Balls to Slow Down Male Tennis Players

Complaints About NBA Referees Growing Ugly

Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden

Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-Free

Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead

War Dims Hope for Peace

Man Tries Armed Robbery with Knife in Gun Store

Plot to Kill Officer Had Vicious Side

That rascally Pope

2006-04-27T23:02:00.000-07:00

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at the thousands of people in the forecourt below.

The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this."

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

The Pope thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "That's pretty impressive, but I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes, "No way, you can't do that."

So the Pope headbutts her.

shipwrecked

2006-04-26T05:39:00.000-07:00

A guy, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck and they found themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the guy had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the guy started to get "those feelings"

again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, cautiously leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

rabbits

2006-04-26T05:28:00.000-07:00

One day, a rabbit managed to break free from his cage in the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

"Wow, this is great!" he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful

sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well."

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do? " he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.

"There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field.

"They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted.

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

30 things you will never hear a Tennessee fan say!

2006-04-23T15:05:00.000-07:00

30 things you will never hear a Tennessee fan say!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only eighteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
09. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
08. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
07. Checkmate
06. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
05. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
04. I don't have a favorite college team.
03. You Guys.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A TENNESSEE FAN SAY:
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving.

2006-04-15T10:10:00.000-07:00

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons" where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown

Well, how about some "assicons?"

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^o_) a wise ass

( _ E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

2006-04-14T14:16:00.000-07:00

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furtherest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

special thanks and a tip of the toupee to Jonno Alcaro for these gems.

2006-04-02T09:46:00.000-07:00

Signs

On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."

*Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

*At a proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in."

*On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

*On a Plumbers truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

*Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

*At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

*On a plastic surgeon's office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

*At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

*On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

*In a nonsmoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

*On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

*At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

*On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

*In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

*On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

*At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

*Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

*In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

*At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

*In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry .. Come on in and get fed up."

*In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

*At a propane filling station, "Tank heaven for little grills."

*And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

2006-03-20T20:33:00.000-08:00

Today's chuckle

This one is from Mike Leiderman:

The judge says to the defendant: "You're charged with killing and eating an American condor. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty," says the guy. "If it please the court, the bird was already dead in its cage. I just took it out, roasted it on a spit and ate it."

The judge looks impressed.

"Well, that's a different story; a legitimate alibi,'' he says. "Case dismissed."

As the guy starts to leave, the judge stops him. "By the way," the judge asks. "What does condor taste like?"

"Oh," says the guy. "Sort of a cross between a bald eagle and a peregrine falcon."

2006-03-17T19:51:00.000-08:00

*****************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
“So,” says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?”

“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”

“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

**************************************************
Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya”.

“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim.

But where’s my husband?”

“That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda.” There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery…”

“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me.”

“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”

“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”

“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”

“Well, Brenda… no.
In fact, he got out three times to relieve himself.”

************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.

He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”

She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”

She says, “That he did, Father.”

The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary? ”

She says, “He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that damn gun…’”

2006-03-17T11:09:00.000-08:00

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex.

Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him;

"How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied;

"Who needs a girlfriend?"

"Best Bad Humorous Analogy Contest"

2005-09-25T21:35:00.000-07:00

Winners of the "Best Bad Humorous Analogy Contest" in the
Washington Post Style Invitational Column:

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that
used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you
banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag
filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets
T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a
movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like
"Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight
trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at
55mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the
Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin
sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a
play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like
a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at
a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

2005-09-21T09:43:00.000-07:00

Singing Horses.
http://snipurl.com/2yy3

This is a fun little waste of time. Click on the horses to make a melody.

DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO MEN ABOUT WHAT WOMEN WANT

2005-09-14T10:27:00.000-07:00

ONE - Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.

TWO - If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to
subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.

THREE - Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity
and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some
decent, affordable childcare. That way, maybe poor single
mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to
listen to any more idiots in Congress blathering about
orphanages.

FOUR - Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys.
Look at...say Carl, the brain-dead jack-off in the cubicle next
to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a
slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now, imagine making 30 percent
less than Carl. Hellooo....

FIVE - This is very important: during lovemaking, don't ask,
"Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.

SIX - When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming
out. Words are kind of important.

SEVEN - Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill
rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.

EIGHT - Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now,
Clouseau, you should know if she came.

NINE - Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask
for directions.

TEN - When she catches you cheating on her and she cuts off your
dick in your sleep, take it like a man.

Too Expensive

2005-09-09T13:37:00.000-07:00

One day, Lucy walked into a dentist's office
and asked how much it will cost to extract
wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," she
says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't
use an anesthetic, I can knock it down
to $60."

"That's still too expensive," Lucy says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on
anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out
with a pair of pliers, I could get away with
charging $20."

"Nope," moans the Lucy, "it's still too much."

"Hm," says the dentist, scratching his head.
"If I let one of my students do it for the
experience, I suppose I could charge you
just $10."

"Marvelous," says Lucy,
"book my husband for next Tuesday!"

2005-09-08T17:01:00.000-07:00

HOW THE D-DAY INVASION WOULD BE REPORTED BY TODAY'S PRESS

NORMANDY, FRANCE (June 6, 1944) Three hundred French civilians were killed and thousands more were wounded today in the first hours of America's invasion of continental Europe. Casualties were heaviest among women and children. Most of the French casualties were the result of artillery fire from American ships attempting to knock out German fortifications prior to the landing of hundreds of thousands of U.S. troops. Reports from a makeshift hospital in the French town of St.Mere Eglise said the carnage was far worse than the French had anticipated, and that reaction against the American invasion was running high. "We are dying for no reason, "said a Frenchman speaking on condition of anonymity. "Americans can't even shoot straight. I never thought I'd say this, but life was better under Adolph Hitler."

The invasion also caused severe environmental damage. American troops, tanks, trucks and machinery destroyed miles of pristine shoreline and thousands of acres of ecologically sensitive wetlands. It was believed that the habitat of the spineless French crab was completely wiped out, thus threatening the species with extinction. A representative of Greenpeace said his organization, which had tried to stall the invasion for over a year, was appalled at the destruction, but not surprised. "This is just another example of how the military destroys the environment without a second thought," said Christine Moanmore. "And it's all about corporate greed."

Contacted at his Manhattan condo, a member of the French government-in-exile who abandoned Paris when Hitler invaded, said the invasion was based solely on American financial interests. "Everyone knows that President Roosevelt has ties to 'big beer'," said Pierre LeWimp. "Once the German beer industry is conquered, Roosevelt's beer cronies will control the world market and make a fortune."

Administration supporters said America's aggressive actions were based in part on the assertions of controversial scientist Albert Einstein, who sent a letter to Roosevelt speculating that the Germans were developing a secret weapon -- a so-called "atomic bomb". Such a weapon could produce casualties on a scale never seen before, and cause environmental damage that could last for thousands of years. Hitler has denied having such a weapon and international inspectors were unable to locate such weapons even after spending two long weekends in Germany. Shortly after the invasion began, reports surfaced that German prisoners had been abused by American soldiers. Mistreatment of Jews by Germans at their so-called "concentration camps" has been rumored, but so far this remains unproven.

Several thousand Americans died during the first hours of the invasion, and French officials are concerned that the uncollected corpses will pose a public-health risk. "The Americans should have planned for this in advance," they said. "It's their mess, and we don't intend to help clean it up.

10 Things

2005-07-05T05:18:00.000-07:00

Ten Things men know for sure about women.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. Women have breasts.

The Real Meaning

2005-06-26T21:43:00.000-07:00

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers
are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year's winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have
gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat
stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after
you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your
soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Human cloning

2005-06-16T21:43:00.000-07:00

In light of the news of the so called human cloning going on, we have to ask ourselves the hypothetical question.

If you pushed your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would it be:

A) murder?

B) suicide? or

C) merely making an obscene clone fall?

2005-06-14T12:59:00.000-07:00

I wonder who they got to verify that the flavor was accurate?

2005-06-11T23:35:00.000-07:00

Men In Coats

This is a great video of a couple of visual comedians wearing coats.

2005-06-04T08:58:00.000-07:00

There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed. He
smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking
wafting up from the kitchen.

He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed,
crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into
the kitchen where his wife was busily baking the cookies.

With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was
just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.

As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite
kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

Gasping for breath, he asked her,

"Why did you do that?"

"Those are for the funeral!"

2005-06-01T17:13:00.000-07:00

(contributed by John Kelsey)

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the low country of South Carolina, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray begging for his life. He was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the marsh and he would surely drown.

When just before the curve, a hand appeared through the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other. "Look Buford, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin' it in the rain."

2005-05-23T09:15:00.000-07:00

Redneck Manners

Entertaining in Your Home
a. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

b. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, even if his manners are better than those of your mother-in-law.

Dining Out
a. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the bouquet of the wine.

b. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Personal Hygiene
a. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's own truck keys.

b. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. If you live alone, however, deodorant is a waste of good money.

c. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Rules of the Road
a. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

b. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

c. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

d. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

e. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle when you are the driver.

f. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Weddings
a) Ex-mother-in-laws should not be invited to weddings, unless they are the parole officers of the bride or groom.

b) Rifles and handguns are not appropriate wedding gifts.

c) When giving a set of towels, tires, milk-crates or hub-caps as wedding gifts, try to pick the same make or color for each piece of the set.

d) If the bride is more than 8 months pregnant, it is better to have the wedding after the delivery of the baby, so that the bride can fully enjoy and participate in the wedding brawl.

2005-05-19T22:32:00.000-07:00

A young guy goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says, 'Yeah, I was a salesman back in my hometown.'

The boss liked the kid and said, 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many sales did you make today?'

The kid said, 'One.'

'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

'$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?'

'Well, no,' said the young guy. 'The guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.' "

2005-05-17T21:58:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Squares
If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh!

2005-05-11T14:32:00.000-07:00

20Q.net

OK, this is really cool. Play the old kids game "20 Questions" against the computer.

Dang, this thing is really smart.

2005-04-28T16:24:00.000-07:00

Buford and Festus were talking one afternoon when Buford tells Festus, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Mabelene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Mabelene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Mabelene didn't get pregnant again."

Festus asks Buford, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Buford says, "This year I'm taking Mabelene with me."

2005-04-19T15:28:00.000-07:00

Thnaks to Dawna for this one...

Buford and Festus were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Buford, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Festus shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde!

We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

2005-04-15T14:58:00.000-07:00

Yahoo! News - You Probably Don't Want to Drive Behind This Guy

This dude failed his driver's examination 271 times before passing.

271 TIMES!

What do you bet he moves to New York to drive a taxi?

Songs of the 60s, 70s and 80s

2005-04-12T22:29:00.000-07:00

Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics
to appeal to aging baby boomers. They include:

Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

Ringo Starr - I Get By With a Little Help from Depends

Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon - Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Marvin Gaye - I Heard it Through the GrapeNuts

Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations - Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

Abba - Denture Queen

Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling if you Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy - I am Woman, Hear me Snore

Willie Nelson - On the Throne Again

Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To

Plumbing Bits

2005-03-15T20:57:00.000-08:00

Got this note worth sharing . . .

Hi Dick

I haven't got the time to concentrate on preparing an ad but I
thought I'd share a couple of one liners that I have seen around here
on the back of plumbers utes (Utilities)

"I repair what your husband fixed yesterday - Don't sleep with a
drip...."

And then for a concreter:

I Come
I Quote
I Concrete

William the concreter

Regards

William Barry
Small Business and Tourism Officer
City of Wanneroo
23 Dundebar Rd
Wanneroo
WA 6065

Redneck CPR

2005-03-05T08:25:00.000-08:00

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them
suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to
be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps
to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and
follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence...... and then a shot is heard.

The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

Physical Exam

2005-02-28T22:04:00.000-08:00

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady,
entered the doctor's office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take
your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue...."

2005-02-25T16:38:00.000-08:00

Oxymorons

Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Airline food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt Head
Military Intelligence
Software documentation
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
'Now, then ...'
Synthetic natural gas
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Microsoft Works"

Silly Buddhist Joke

2005-02-22T19:03:00.000-08:00

A Buddhist Zen master went up to a hot dog vendor at a baseball game
and said, "Make me one with everything."

When the Zen master paid with a twenty-dollar bill, the hot-dog vendor
put the bill in the cash drawer.
"Where's my change?" the Zen master asked.

"Change must come from within," the hot-dog vendor replied.

Buford's new truck

2005-02-18T10:41:00.000-08:00

One day, Festus was walking down Main Street when he

saw Buford driving a brand new pickup.

Buford pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Buford, where'd you get that truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Buford  replied.

"She gave it to you?  I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a

new truck?"

"Well, Festus, let me tell you what happened. We were

driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere.

Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive,

and headed into the woods.  She parked the truck, got out, threw

off all her clothes and said 'Buford, take whatever you want'.

So I took the truck!"

Buford , you're a smart man!.  Her clothes woulda never fit you".

2005-02-17T11:13:00.000-08:00

Dribbleglass.com--Wit and Wisdom of Homer Simpson

Homer Simpson is one of the great philosophers of our time.

I can't guarantee that all of these were actually said by him, but I had a great deal of belly laughing going down the list.

Johnny Carson as "Karnak" One Liners

2005-01-26T23:39:00.000-08:00

"A loaf of bread, a jug of wine and thou."

Reading the contents of the envelope:
"Name three things that have yeast."

A: The Nestea Plunge.
Q: What does the president of Nestea use when his toilet is topped up?

A: A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
Q: What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H?

A: Shoo-be-doo-be-doo.
Q: What do you look for when you're tracking a shoo-be-doo-be?

A: Zippo Marx.
Q: What do you get when something gets caught in your Zippo?

A: Touchback.
Q: What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches you?

A: Kitchy-kitchy-koo.
Q: What do you call a military coup led by General Kitchy Kitchy?

A: Big Ben, Joe Namath and a candidate's campaign promises.
Q: What is a clock, a jock and a crock.

Johnny.........."Wow, It sure Is cold today"
ED.............."How cold was it"
Johnny.........."I saw a dog stuck to a telephone pole"

Rodney Dangerfield: "Johnny, how long have you and Ed McMahon been
together?"

Johnny: "I guess it's been about ten years now."

Rodney Dangerfield: "Wow, that is a long time...any children?"

Johnny: "It's not that we haven't TRIED!!!"

Answer: Sis Boom Bah
Question: What sound does a sheep make when it explodes?

Name what offence someone should automatically get the death sentence:

Johnny: Whoever told squirrels they were good at crossing the road!

Ed: Yassir Arafat

Johnny: Yassir Arafat

(envelope opening)

Johnny: What's the sound made when Dolly Parton removes her bra?

Johnny: "It was so cold outside..."

Audience: "How cold was it?"

Johnny: "It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own
pockets."

Answer: Donald, Benji, and Alexis Carrington
Rips open envelope...
Question: Name a duck, mutt, and a slut.

Karnak foresees the answer -- "Bobby Orr, Bobby Hull, Ed Sullivan."

Opens envelope for question: "Name two hockey players and a hockey
puck."

Some sad news from Australia....the inventor of the boomerang gernade
died today...."

laughs

"Does that joke draw a picture, or what?"

Carnac: "Catch-22."

Ed: "Catch-22"

Carnac (looking at Ed with distain): "May the fleas of a thousand
camels nest in your short."

"Catch-22...What do the Los Angeles Dodgers do with 100 pop flies."

"A triple and a double, catcher's and fielder's, and Dolly Parton"

"Name two big hits, two big mitts.....and a famous country singer!"

Carnak: Do-whacka-do
Ed: Do-whacka-do
Carnack: What do you look for when you're hunting do-whackas?

Carnak: Dippity-do
Ed: Dippity-do
Carnak: What collects on your dippity in the morning?

Carnack: "William Safire."

Ed: "WILLIAM SAFIRE."

Carnac, looking at Ed in distain: "May a diseased camel date your
sister......

William Safire...(Tearing open the envelope)..."Q: What's Shakespeare's
first name, Kingfish."

A. "Knickerbocker"
Q. "What do you want to avoid doing when you shave her bocker?"

Raquel Welch: It's very reassuring in a way to know that all these fans
are so interested in film personalities that they would like to come,
you know, and even just look at your house and your shrubs, it
sometimes it's rather embarrassing.

Johnny: I'd love to see your shrubs.

In reference to the buxom blond named Morgana who ran out of the field
during a world series game and kissed Steve Garvey, Carson (holding his
hands palm up near his chest) exclaimed, "She was big!".

Ed and the audience asked in unison, "Well, how big was she?"

Carson replied, "If Dolly Parton was a mouthful, this girl would be a
two-week supply".

2005-01-26T09:48:00.000-08:00

Chicago Tribune | Web words become a lucrative market: "TRENDS: PAYING FOR CLICKS
Web words become a lucrative market
Search results trigger intense price bidding

By Rob Kaiser
Tribune staff reporter
Published January 24, 2005

Companies swarming to have their names and ads appear next to Internet search results have created a burgeoning marketplace for search words, phrases and brand names.

Progressive Insurance pays $8.08 each time somebody clicks on its ad after searching the phrase 'car insurance.' 'Laptop' sells for $2.02 per click, while 'franchise' goes for $5 and 'Internet service provider' for $6. 'Financial help' fetches $5.76, although 'financial advice' only brings in $2.72.

The prices for such words are set through auction-style bidding in which class-action attorneys have run up the word 'Vioxx' to $16.50 per click, while 'mesothelioma,' a cancer caused by asbestos exposure, goes for $39.08.

With Americans conducting more than 4 billion Internet searches monthly, often while shopping for airline tickets, credit cards and millions of other products, companies are battling for top advertising positions on Google, Yahoo and other search engines. The competition has become increasingly sophisticated as companies learn how much business they can generate through the ads.

Similar to stocks, the prices of particular words and phrases constantly fluctuate as businesses jockey for top positions.

But the overall market has exploded, with companies ranging from United Airlines to a Highland Park teddy bear retailer spending a total of an estimated $4 billion last year on Internet search ads. That's up from less than $1 billion just two years earlier, according to PricewaterhouseCoopers LLP, which studies the market for the Interactive Advertising Bureau.

'It's done wonders for our business,' said William Burr, owner of S&W Manufacturing Co. in Bensenville, which makes indus"

2005-01-26T09:14:00.000-08:00

So Long Carnac The Magnificent

ANSWER: Gatorade.
QUESTION: What does an alligator get on welfare?

ANSWER: Bible belt.
QUESTION: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants?

ANSWER: Milk and honey.
QUESTION: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?

ANSWER: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
QUESTION: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles.

ANSWER: Black and white and twenty feet tall.
QUESTION: Describe Sister Mary Kong.

ANSWER: Ben Gay.
QUESTION: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids?

ANSWER: An unmarried woman.
QUESTION: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?

ANSWER: Disjoint.
QUESTION: What was dat hippie smoking?

ANSWER: The Laughing Policeman.
QUESTION: What do you call a cop who frisks himself?

ANSWER: Dustin Hoffman.
QUESTION: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.

ANSWER: Until he gets caught.
QUESTION: How long does a United States Congressman serve?

ANSWER: Old wives tale.
QUESTION: What do cannibals find hard to digest?

ANSWER: Rub-a-dub-dub.
QUESTION: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?

ANSWER: Shareholder.
QUESTION: What did Sonny Bono used to be?

ANSWER: Skalliwags.
QUESTION: What does your skalli do when it's happy?

ANSWER: David Frost.
QUESTION: On a cold morning what forms on your david?

ANSWER: Head and shoulders.
QUESTION: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's car?

ANSWER: Hickory Dickory Dock.
QUESTION: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?

ANSWER: "Rose Bowl."
QUESTION: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the bowling alley?

ANSWER: That darn cat.
QUESTION: Who ruined that darn rug?

ANSWER: High rollers.
QUESTION: Describe a stoned bowling team.

ANSWER: Gunga din.
QUESTION: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?

ANSWER: "Follow the yellow brick road."
QUESTION: What are good directions to a urologist's office?

ANSWER: At both ends.
QUESTION: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles?

ANSWER: Igloo.
QUESTION: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?

ANSWER: R-O-L-A-I-D-S.
QUESTION: How does a stupid person spell "backgammon"?

ANSWER: Grape Nuts.
QUESTION: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?

ANSWER: Supervisor.
QUESTION: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?

ANSWER: Crabgrass.
QUESTION: What do crabs get high on?

ANSWER: Shake-N-Bake.
QUESTION: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering Inferno.

ANSWER: Blazing Saddles.
QUESTION: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch?

ANSWER: Flypaper.
QUESTION: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper?

ANSWER: Deep freeze.
QUESTION: Name an Eskimo porno film.

ANSWER: Bedbug.
QUESTION: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker?

So long Johnny.

Deep Thoughts

2005-01-24T10:21:00.000-08:00

1. ON METAPHYSICS
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.

2. ON DEEP THOUGHTS
A day without sunshine is like night.

3. ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES
There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund?

4. ON HIGHER EDUCATION
College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there to drink.

5. ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

6. ON YOUTH
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk.
-- Stephen King, 3/8/90

6. ON PROBLEM SOLVING
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.
-- Abraham Maslow

7. ON MATERIALISM
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.

8. ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES
Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!

9. ON INFINITY
If you had everything, where would you keep it?

10. ON ECONOMICS
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

11. ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
-- English Professor, Ohio University

12. ON REVISIONIST HISTORY
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

13. ON DATING
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.

14. ON POETIC LOVE
When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
-- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers

15. ON MODERNISM
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

16. ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.

17. ON EXTINCTION
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

18. ON LITERATURE
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
-- Dorothy Parker

19. ON HUMILITY
To err is human, to moo bovine.

20. ON EXPLANATION OF THE END ...
One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
-- Robert Firth

21. ON PROPHECY
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.

22. ON EXCUSES
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh

23. ON NUMBERS
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for very large values of 2.

24. ON WORLD POLITICS
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

25. AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

2005-01-21T16:00:00.000-08:00

MEN ARE DUMB
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O. K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

2005-01-21T10:28:00.000-08:00

Now here's an interesting ad from Volkswagen. Don't know if it's a fake or not.

but it is a blast . . .

Click to watch movie

2005-01-17T21:01:00.000-08:00

My dog and my kid share many things in common.

Birthday Wish

2005-01-17T09:38:00.000-08:00

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early
and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her
on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,
the Wall of Fear - everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head
reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they
went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra
fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot
dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked,

"Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

Happy Marriage

2005-01-06T11:00:00.000-08:00

I met a man who had been married for 66 years.

"Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to

such a long, happy marriage?"

"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all

the big decisions ... and the woman just makes the

little decisions."

"Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"

"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not

one big decision!"

Good Medicine

2005-01-05T16:58:00.000-08:00

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill
your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

LAWYER JOKES

2005-01-05T14:20:00.000-08:00

Sent to me by one of my lawyer/advertisers . . .

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to
lawyers? It's called Sosumi.

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full
of lawyers hostage? They threatened to release one every hour
until their demands where met.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest
stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people
couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How are an apple and a lawyer alike? They both look good hanging
from a tree.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future
lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side then he
lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true
stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many
can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? You won't
find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking
for a lawyer to SCREW a light bulb...

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could
only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good.

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A
good start!

What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

What does a lawyer do after sex? Pays the bill.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A
prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.

What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller.

Sven and Ole classic

2005-01-03T09:05:00.000-08:00

Ole is a farmer from Montana. He is in need of a new milk cow and
hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota.

He drives to Nordakota, looks at the cow, reaches under to see if she
gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls,

the cow farts.

Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then
reaches under the cow to try again.

He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.

Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to
buy the cow and take it home.

He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says,"Hey Sven, come and look at
dis here new cow I yust bought.

Pull her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota,
yah?"

Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right. But how did you
know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota!"

2005-01-02T14:03:00.000-08:00

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at
the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys
in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back
to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests.
What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle,
soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks,
"Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can
keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted
to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells
St. Peter to recall the two priests.

"Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's
somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles.
But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

Oldie but Goodie

2004-12-28T10:36:00.000-08:00

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took

it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in it's

ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from

reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair"

hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month.

She went to the drug store and got some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist told her "If you're going to

use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few

days."

She told him, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist then said, "If you're using it on your legs don't

shave for a couple of days."

My neighbor then told him:

"I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know,

I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist replied: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

Yellow Pages Humor

2004-12-15T16:52:00.000-08:00

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in
the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When
the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his balls and not
let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the
cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Why you shouldn't golf with the wife

2004-12-11T20:09:00.000-08:00

A husband and wife were out golfing together one day when they
came upon a tough par 4 hole. The husband hooked his drive deep
into the woods and proclaimed that he would have to chip out.

Then the wife said, "Maybe not, dear! Do you see that barn over
there? If I open the doors on both sides, I do believe you could
hit it right through and reach the green."

So the husband agrees to give it a try, but when he hits the ball
it goes straight through the first doors of the barn, hits the
crossbeam, ricochets back and hits his wife square in the head,
killing her stone dead.

Well, about a year goes by and the man is golfing with a friend.
He finds himself on the same hole, with the same results: a hook
deep in the woods. He is all set to chip out when his friend runs
up to him and says, "Wait! Do you see that barn over there? If I
open the doors on both sides, I think you can still reach the
green."

"No way," replies the man, "I tried that last year and got a 7."

Driving Lessons

2004-12-09T21:35:00.000-08:00

Two elderly women share the driving back and forth to church on
Sundays. This particular Sunday they were out driving in their
large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The
stoplight was red but they just went right on through.

Ethel, the woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I
must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red
light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection. The
light was red and again they went right through, narrowly missing
a turning vehicle.

This time Ethel was almost sure that the light had been red but
was still concerned that she might be mistaken. She was getting
nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and
the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely
red and they went right through almost hitting a pedestrian.

Ethel turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know
you just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have
killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

Last Minute Inauguration Tips

2004-12-09T09:23:00.000-08:00

Things To Do Before The Second Inauguration

1. Get that abortion you've always wanted.
2. Drink a nice clean glass of water.
3. Cash your social security check.
4. See a doctor of your own choosing.
5. Spend quality time with your draft age child/grandchild.
6. Get that gas mask you've been putting off buying.
7. Hoard gasoline.
8. Borrow books from library before they're banned - Constitutional
law books, Catcher in the Rye, Harry Potter, Tropic of
Cancer, etc.
9. If you have an idea for an art piece involving a crucifix - do it
now.
10. Come out of the closet - then go back in - HURRY!
11. Jam in all the stem cell research you can.
12. Stay out late before the curfews start.
13. Go see Bruce Springsteen before he has his "accident".
14. Go see Mount Rushmore before the Reagan addition.
15. Use the phrase - "you can't do that - this is America".
16. If you're white - marry a black person, if you're black - marry
a white person.
17. Take a walk in Yosemite, without being hit by a snowmobile or a
base-jumper.
18. Enroll your kid in an accelerated art or music class.
19. Start your school day WITHOUT a prayer.
20. Pass on the secrets of evolution to future generations.
21. Attend a commitment ceremony of your gay friends
22. Take a factory tour anywhere in the US.
23. Take photographs of animals on the endangered species list.
24. Visit Florida before the polar ice caps melt.
25. Visit Nevada before it becomes radioactive.
26. Visit Alaska before "The Big Spill".
27. Visit Massachusetts while it is still a State

Thanks to Jonno Alcaro for these.

Farmer's Daughters - submitted by John Kelsey

2004-12-06T09:54:00.000-08:00

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to
marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond
comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect
woman. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he
explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one
of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so
you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the
man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not
that you can hardly notice pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and
suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with
the second daughter. The next day the farmer again asked how things
went. "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you
can hardly tell cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date
the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next
morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect.
She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away. Months
later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was
horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can
imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could
happen considering the beauty of the parents. "Well," explained the
farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell
pregnant when you met her."

Reattachment

2004-11-29T09:49:00.000-08:00

A man had a terrible accident. His manhood was mangled and torn
from his body. The doctor reassured him that modern medicine made
it possible for his manhood to be rebuilt, but insurance didn't
cover the expense. It was considered cosmetic. He had three
choices - small for $3,500; medium for $6,500 or large for $14,
000.

The man was sure he'd want a medium or large. The doctor
suggested that he discuss it with his wife privately before a
final decision was made.

The doctor left the room and while he was gone the man called his
wife and told her their options.

The doctor returned and found the man looking very sad. "Did you
make a decision?" the doctor asked.

"Yes," said the man. "She'd rather remodel the kitchen!"

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

2004-11-22T10:57:00.000-08:00

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $64,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard, C) the cuckoo; or D)the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.

"Yes, that is my final answer." Two minutes later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way... how did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks!"

From the Dilbert Files

2004-11-18T09:58:00.000-08:00

Great mixed metaphores

"Sometimes you shoot your foot off to spite your face."

"If it can't be done today, don't wait until tomorrow."

"I'm sweating like a bullet."

"Monday morning the fan is going to hit the roof."

"We're having this meeting to make sure all our ducks are on the

same page."

"Yeah, I've got a lot of black sheep in my closet."

"You don't want to put all your legs under one blanket."

"Call me back at your least convenience."

"It's six of one and one of the other."

"I can't do it in the spur of a hat."

"I don't want to run any flags up the telephone pole."

"You know I'm just pulling your lamb?"

"I've been running around like a chicken with my legs cut off."

"This has been a red herring around our necks."

"Like water through a duck's ass."

"We're treading on thin water here."

"Knock it off before I beat you with a dead horse!!!"

"I don't want to go out on a limb, and shoot myself in the foot"

"I've just got my feet in too many pies right now."

"Gee, we haven't been here since the last time."

"'I see,' said the blind man to the fly."

"You can argue until your eyeteeth turn blue in the face."

"I swear on my dog's breakfast!"

"This library attracts deaf patrons like a siren's song!"

"Don't bite the mouth that feeds you."

"I keep telling you these things, but you keep turning a blind

cheek to it."

"Screaming like a chicken with its head cut off."

"I hope I haven't used a sledgehammer to teach my Grandmother to

suck eggs."

"She was born with a silver spoon up her ass."

"This guy's sharp as a cookie."

"I beat it like a red-headed mule!!"

"Now I do not want to toot my own wagon."

"I think you hit the nose right on the head."

Lightbulb Joke

2004-11-18T08:28:00.000-08:00

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a

light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a

light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT.

They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS

before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they

wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that

they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past

SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle,

actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that

they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the

STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND

UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER

THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?!

BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT

THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL

SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE

12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE. THE ENTIRE

HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

Saturday Night Bender

2004-11-18T08:16:00.000-08:00

A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday

night.

He awoke quite ill, and summoned a bellboy to fetch

him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper.

The bellhop was gone a long time.

When he returned, the lush remarked, "It must be hard to

buy a bottle in this town on Sunday."

"There was no trouble with the liquor," replied the bellboy,

"but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."

Best Genie Joke Yet

2004-11-16T21:13:00.000-08:00

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf...
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right
through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the
course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful!
Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize
and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the
door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened
the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all
over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its
side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people
that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle
for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm
allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish,
but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a
moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year
for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least
I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie
asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants
in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will
always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish,
genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't
been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish
is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you
know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses.
What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know,
you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I
wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd
do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent
the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. After about
three hours of non-stop pleasure, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked,
"How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you
still believe in genies? Amazing!"

2004-11-13T07:44:00.000-08:00

"Our parents got divorced when we were kids and it was kind of
cool. We got to go to divorce court with them. It was like a game
show. My mom won the house and car. We're all excited. My dad got
some luggage."
- Tom Arnold

Wal-Mart Wine

2004-11-12T14:52:00.000-08:00

A circulating e-mail claims that Walmart will be offering its own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-$5 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Walmart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, RI. She said: "The right name is important." So, here we go:

The top 12 suggested names for Walmart Wines:

12. Chateau Traileur Parc
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Walmart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Riesling
And the number 1 name for Walmart Wine ...
1. Nasti Spumante

Redneck Quiz

2004-11-03T08:56:00.000-08:00

This is a true test of your Southern-ness. This test
really can't be cheated on, either you know it or you
don't. The true southerner should achieve a minimum in
the high teens.

1) How many Vienna Sausages are in a can?

2) What was the number and color of Richard Petty's
cars?

3) Bill Dance is good at what?

4) What university does Bill Dance root for?

5) Where did Herschel Walker play football (college)?

6) After boiling peanuts for an hour you have what?

7) In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 1966 GM
small-block V8?

8) A Cajun is likely to speak what furrin language?

9) What is a chigger?

10) What is scrapple?

11) Where is "The Redneck Riviera?"

12) What's that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak tree?

13) What follows logically? Johnson, Mercury,
__________________.

14) What's the common name for a bowfin?

15) If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you
get?

16) Who sang "Your Cheatin' Heart?"

17) What are grits made out of?

18) Who was nicknamed "The Bear"?

19) Why is the Blue Ridge blue?

20) What did The Baldwin Sisters make?

21) Who was Andy Taylor's love interest?

22) What are the call letters for the radio station
that carries "The
Grand Ol'Opry"?

23) Where would you grow those yellow onions?

24) What sport requires 3 legs and a rope?

25) What instrument did Bill Monroe play (typically)?

26) How many strings on a banjo (two possible aswers)
?

27) When you argue with a fool, what is he doing?

28) What is a scuppernong?

29) Do you want the goats to get into the kudzu?

30) Why do you want to eat "high on the hog?"

31) What color is your John Deere?

32) What do you call the offspring of a mule?

33) What do you harvest when you plant "shade"?

Each correct answer is worth 3 points. You get 1 point
just for starting. Answers are below:

1) 7
2) 43, red and blue
3) Fishin'
4) University of Tennessee
5) University of Georgia
6) Hard peanuts
7) 283
8) French
9) A redbug (small parasite)
10) A sausage-like loaf made out of pig parts
11) Panama City, FL
12) Spanish moss
13) Evinrude
14) Mudfish
15) Nothing. A steer has been castrated.
16) Hank Williams
17) Corn
18) Paul Bryant
19) Because of pollen
20) "The Recipe"
21) Helen
22) WSM
23) Vidalia, Georgia
24) Calf roping
25) Mandolin
26) 5
27) The same thing
28) A wild grape
29) Yes
30) Because that's where the better cuts of meat are.
Rich folks live high on the hog.
31) Green
32) Another trick animal-husbandry question. Mules are
generally sterile.
33) Tobacco

Strange Message from Dick@ypcommando.com

2004-11-02T00:30:00.000-08:00

I missed far too many of these. You try.

Dick@ypcommando.com

_______________________________________________________________________________

has sent you a strange message from StrangeCosmos.com. To view it, please click the link below:

http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/25552.html

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2004-10-31T09:23:00.000-08:00

Hollywood Squares One-Liners

From The Original Hollywood Squares TV show. These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now.

Peter Marshall: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but he still won't go up to your apartment.

Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Peter Marshall: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Peter Marshall: Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.

Peter Marshall: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

Peter Marshall: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter... and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Peter Marshall: According to Zsa Zsa, does black look sexy on a woman?
Redd Foxx: I wouldn't have it any other way.

Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies... but I don't recommend the cookies.

Peter Marshall: If you find someone lying unconscious in the street, should you do anything?
George Goebel: I'd probably crawl around him I guess.

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Peter Marshall: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Peter Marshall: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Peter Marshall: Eddie, according to the Institute of Motivational Research, a wife should beware if another woman takes an interest in a certain item of her husband's clothing. What item?
Ed Asner: Well, undershorts immediately spring to mind.

Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Peter Marshall: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Peter Marshall: Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights in this country?
Charley Weaver: If she can fit under the seat, she can fly.

Peter Marshall: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Peter Marshall: Can boys join the camp fire girls?
Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Peter Marshall: True or false, George... experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.
George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.

Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Peter Marshall: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Peter Marshall: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Peter Marshall: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Peter Marshall: According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?
Paul Lynde: He's out of town.

Peter Marshall: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.

Peter Marshall: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Peter Marshall: When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Peter Marshall: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Peter Marshall: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
Charley Weaver: His feet.

Peter Marshall: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Peter Marshall: Do female frogs croak?
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water.

Peter Marshall: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Peter Marshall: Your baby has a certain object, which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn now.

Jesus and the Redneck

2004-10-28T14:13:00.000-07:00

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly
Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman
hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself
up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.

The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that
Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the
Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with
a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up
to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He
also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus
sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded,
so the Italian said to give Jesus a glass of Chianti,
too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who
swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeeper, set
me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?"
The barkeeper nodded, so the redneck told him to give
Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the
Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness,
you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come
back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the
door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back
straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and
did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck
jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm
drawin' disability!"

Halloween Costume

2004-10-25T12:25:00.000-07:00

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice looking woman he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him, and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action".

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done.

He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one hell of a time!

2004-10-25T09:36:00.000-07:00

Florida Ballot Box

John Smith, who was an incredible asset at WorldPages.com sent me this hilarious movie of Florida's Electronic Voting Machine.

Regardless of your politics, it's pretty funny.

http://ypcommando.com/images/Voting_Machine.wmv

It's a big file, so give it time to load.

Father and Son Reunion

2004-10-18T21:28:00.000-07:00

Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to
go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few
minutes, and Jesus agrees

As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey
up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's
tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks
him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be
admitted into heaven.

The man explains, "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I
didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making
things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people,
but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I
was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world
in the usual way.

I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was
ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with
some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be
honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get
into Heaven is to be reunited with my son."

Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the old
man's eyes and asks, "Father?"

The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks,
"Pinocchio?"

Close Call

2004-10-17T04:43:00.000-07:00

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a
clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers
with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA
system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor
Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in
northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel
and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing
300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles
an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in
every direction.

The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet
deep."

From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to
exclaim,

"Wow! It just missed the highway!"

Rodney Dangerfield's 21 best lines

2004-10-15T09:02:00.000-07:00

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."

5. Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times -three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

Hearing Voices

2004-10-13T21:39:00.000-07:00

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in
his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take
all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He ignores the voice.

Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell
your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

Again, he ignores the voice.

Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job,
sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his
job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las
Vegas.

As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to
Caesar's Palace."

He goes to Caesar's Palace.

The voice says, "Make your way to the roulette table."

He goes to the roulette table.

The voice says, "Put all your money on RED 23."

He puts all his money on RED 23.

The dealer spins the wheel.

It comes up BLACK 17.

The voice says "Shit!!"

Ticket Please

2004-10-03T22:00:00.000-07:00

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets
and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked
one of the three lawyers.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats
but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door
behind them. Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor
comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door
and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So
after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on
the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, the lawyers buy a single ticket for
the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a
ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one
perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three engineers cram into a
restroom and the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The
train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his
restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are
hiding. He knocks on the door and says,

"Ticket, please."

Watch the Apples

2004-09-26T10:47:00.000-07:00

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for
lunch. At the beginning of the line there was a large pile of
apples. A nun had written a note,

"Take only one, God is watching."

At the end of the line there was a large stack of chocolate chip
cookies. A boy wrote a note and left it on the cookies that said,

"Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

A Son's Love

2004-09-20T12:25:00.000-07:00

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."

Celibacy

2004-09-20T08:36:00.000-07:00

While attending a marriage encounter weekend, Walter and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

Grandpa Froggy

2004-09-19T17:09:00.000-07:00

A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?

"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.

As she is sitting on grandpa's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you
make a sound like a frog?"

"A sound like a frog? Well, I guess Grandpa can make a sound like
a frog."

The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please, please MAKE a sound
like a frog?"

Perplexed, her grandpa says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to
make a sound like a frog?"

And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you
croak, we're all going to Disney world!"

1st Graders Complete Proverb Assignment

2004-09-15T16:13:00.000-07:00

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest:

As you shall make your bed so shall you... mess it up.

Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the... bug is close.

It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of... termites.

You can lead a horse to water but... how?

Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.

No news is... impossible.

A miss is as good as a... Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new... math.

If you lie down with the dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.

Love all, trust... me.

The pen is mightier than the... pigs.

An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke, there's... pollution.

Happy the bride who... gets all the presents!

A penny saved is... not much.

Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.

Don't put off tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.

None are so blind as... Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.

There is no fool like... Aunt Eddie.

Strange Home Made Signs

2004-09-12T11:30:00.000-07:00

Strange Home Made Signs

These are real signs, observed all over:

1. At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

2. In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

3. On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law." --Sisters of Mercy

4. On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."

5. In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

6. In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."

7. In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."

8. In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

9. In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"

10. On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

11. On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

12. At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

13. On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."

14. In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

15. In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."

16. In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

17. In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

19. 18. Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

20. In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

21. In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

22. On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak."

23. In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

24. In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

25. On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."

26. On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."

27. On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

28. Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

29. In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

30. On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."

31. Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."

32. In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

33. On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."

34. On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

35. On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."

36. On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."

37. On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

38. At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet--miss a car payment."

39. Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

40. In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."

41. On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

42. In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

43. Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

44. In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

45. At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

46. On a scientist's door: "Gone Fission."

47. In a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

48. At a used car lot: "Second hand cars in first crash condition."

49. Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

50. At an auto body shop: "May we have the next dents?"

51. In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

52. On a music teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

53. At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

54. In a beauty shop: "Dye now!"

55. On the side of a garbage truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

56. On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."

57. In a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

58. On the door of a music library: "Bach in a minuet."

59. In a counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

Our friend Tony B. sent in a few more - Enjoy! Thanks Tony

Bill's radiator shop: Best place in town to take a leak!

Sam's Meat Market: You can compare my prices, but you can't beat my meat.

Thomas, Barnes and Roberts divorce specialty law firm:
She gets his assets, while his assets at home.

Roadway Asphalt Company:
Let us asphalt your driveway, but if you don't like the job we do it's
your own asphalt.

Blondes at Work

2004-09-07T23:00:00.000-07:00

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes
out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well
being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

To which the blonde replies: "Early this morning I got
a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, says to
the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the
day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off
to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off
here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the
best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as
usual.
"If you need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check
on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees
her hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her,
asking,

"What's the problem...are you gonna be ok??"

"No...." exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from
my sister.
She told me that HER mom died too!!"

Hilarious DUCK Hunter Story- Darwin Award Nominee

2004-09-05T21:24:00.000-07:00

Two hunters from Michigan--(true story or so this
claims) This is from a radio program, a true report of
an incident in Michigan:

A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500
and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck
hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are
frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the
guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle.

They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now,
they want to make some kind of a natural landing area
for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.
In order to make a hole large enough to look like
something a wandering duck would fly down and land on,
it is going to take a little more effort than an ice
hole drill.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick
of dynamite with a short, 40-
second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take
into consideration that they want to place the stick
of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where
they are standing (and the new Navigator), because
they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the
ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly
go up in smoke with the resulting blast.

They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned
the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about
the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for
RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of
doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of
dynamite with the burning
40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two
men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to
do now.

The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys
grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is
loaded with # 8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a
Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly
confused, but continues on.
Another shot and this time the dog, still standing,
becomes really confused and of course terrified,
thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new
Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and Navigator are blown
to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very
large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with
this "I can't believe this happened"
look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a
lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He
still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month
payments!

And you thought your day was not going well?

Carlsbad Real Estate Directory

Quote of the Day

2004-09-04T23:47:00.000-07:00

"The difference between being in a relationship and
being in prison is that in prison they let you play
softball on the weekends."
- Bobby Kelton

The True Users

2004-09-02T21:44:00.000-07:00

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was
greeted by a young woman with three small children
running around at her feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have
you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it
for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback.

He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they
use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a
gate hinge. But, in fact, we know that most people do
use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since
you've been frank so far, would you tell me in what
manner you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My
husband puts it on the bedroom door knob and it keeps
the kids out."

Carlsbad Business Directory

Golf for the Ages

2004-09-01T21:53:00.000-07:00

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's
gotten so bad
I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished
his wife,
"Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf
anymore,"
protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your
ball," Tracy
pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack
swung, and
the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the
distance.

"I forget."

That's What Friends are for

2004-08-24T23:06:00.000-07:00

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously
imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come
into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known
you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink
before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the
man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes,
smiles, and then slurs,

"Not anymore!... He is!"